How To Stop Feeling Powerless In Relationships

How you give your power away and how to take it back

Photo by Ethan Sykes on Unsplash

All of us come from different families and backgrounds. We form different friendships and attract people who are either good or bad for us. I have experienced this myself — I used to give away a lot of my power in relationships unconsciously, and end up struggling and frustrated.

This is how it feels to be in a powerless relationship:

• You feel obligated to be in the relationship. This is especially true of family, old friends or ‘handed down’ societal connections.
• The power to say ‘no’ is taken away from you. You feel you have to agree or smile at everything someone says. Keeping the peace is more important than being yourself, because the relationship will fall apart if you disagree.
• You don’t feel like a separate person in that relationship. Somewhere deep down, you feel ‘connected’, in a bad way.
• You feel you don’t have the right to dislike the other person — liking has to be your default emotion to survive. Being forced to like a person whom you actually dislike constantly drains your energy.
• Your opinions matter, but not over and above the other person’s opinion. Somehow, in a subtle way, the other person seems to have the veto power over what you should think, feel or say.
• Your relationship partner decides whether you are ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ to feel happy, sad or angry at things. You can feel any emotion you like, as long as it is approved by your partner or society. Eventually you stop trying to feel or express anything and become dead inside.
• You start feeling responsible for the relationship, instead of yourself. Every mistake or flaw in the relationship somehow becomes your fault. It is never openly expressed that way, it is indicated to you in a very very subtle way all the time.
• You feel like a quiet employee of the company (relationship), who has to keep his/her head down and mind your own business. Yet, if anything goes wrong with the organization (relationship), you are asked to account for the actions of your boss. Essentially, you end up in a situation where, your boss makes a decision and when you execute it, you get blamed for making the decision (which you never made). Something feels very wrong in the accountability and power dynamics.
• You feel like there is a ‘leak’ in your emotional bucket…somewhere. Your energy gets drained after talking to this person, either very quickly or drop by drop over time.
• You can never rely on the other person for true support. Yes, you may be taken care of, but never in the way you want to. If you are sick or down, you somehow end up losing all control over your decisions — all your feelings, wishes and emotions are ‘overridden’ in the name of love. Love without respect for your feelings and wishes is not love, it is control — period.

Take back your power. All you need is shine the light of understanding onto who you are and your relationships. Apart from plugging in the gaps above, it helps to realize the following:

• Your life has always been yours, since the day you were born. You were initially vulnerable and couldn’t take care of yourself and appointed your family as ‘trustees’. When you are ready, take your life back into your hands. It is no different from giving a loan and collecting it back when you need the money.
• Having power is scary — it means you will have to make your own decisions and yes, fail many a time. My personal philosophy? I prefer to fail by my own decisions than succeed based on others’ choices.
• Why fail on your own terms? Your life becomes authentic. You realize the truth of what you are good at, what you are not, and how much you need to learn. It is better to be hated for who you are, than liked for who you are not (when others are covering up for your mistakes).
• When you focus on living on your terms, true friendships and relationships will appear. Not magically, but you will know that if a person likes you — they like you for the real you and not some artificial picture of success painted based on others making decisions for you.
• When you realize you are okay failing on your own terms, you will begin to respect your successes, for they will be truly your own. Even better, you will begin liking yourself. You will like being your own friend.
• Stop taking responsibility for your relationships. Instead, take responsibility for your actions. A relationship is an external entity that arises because of you and your partner’s actions. To reiterate, a relationship is external, and not inside you. If you and your partner are light sources, your relationship is the shadow naturally formed. You can’t control shadows, you can only control your light.
• Realize you have the right to like or dislike a person, even in your closest relationships. It helps realize your separateness and gives you the power of choice. Before you say ‘no’ to things, you need to be okay with having reasons to say ‘no’. Your partner does not get to say if you should like or dislike something about them — your feelings are your own. They are perfectly valid since you are a human being too, and you need anyone’s approval to feel what you do, least of all your partner’s.

It is great to have relationships. It feels good to be contained and secure, but it should never come at the cost of losing your power to walk away. A relationship where you have no choice, but to be in it, becomes a prison. You need to have the ability (not obligation) to choose the relationship everyday.

Different people (across genders and cultures) have differing definitions and needs of power and freedom. Genuine open relationships should never be traps where our power is taken away from us, but be areas where we can loan our power, and take it back, as and when needed. Anything less will inevitably in power struggles, fear, guilt and abuse.

At all times, own your inner power and the peace that comes with it.